What Losing My Husband to Cancer Taught Me About Life
In February of 2016, after a brutal two and a half year long battle with metastatic melanoma, my beloved husband John passed away. He was 51 and we had “the rest of our lives” ahead of us. Going through something as traumatic as watching your partner starve to death in your living room changes you. If you’re lucky, it teaches you as well.
Here’s what those incredibly painful, difficult years taught me…
- If there’s someone in your life toward whom you’re holding a grudge…forgive them.
- If there’s something you’re holding on to that’s making you feel angry, sad, upset, anxious, fearful, or any other negative emotion, LET IT GO.
- If there’s someone you’ve lost touch with, for whatever reason, who was once a positive influence in your life, reach out to them.
- If petty things upset you or send you off the deep end, stop sweating the small stuff.
- Someday is today. Don’t wait.
- Tell the people in your life how important they are to you.
- Hug it out. Then hug it out again.
- Say I love you even if you think everyone in your life already knows you love them. Say it tonight. Say it often.
- Finally, shut down your email and computer, turn off the T.V., put down your cell phone and INTERACT with the important people in your life.
By the end of John’s second week on hospice, we turned off the T.V. and rarely had it on. We shut off our phones and only checked them a few times a day. No one missed either. It forced us to talk, to each other and to him. We were more present and there for each other because the background noise was turned off. It was such a gift and it made our final days with John more sacred.
I let go of worry about work or money, knowing that his life and making sure he got to see it out in his way with all of us around him, was far more important. I can always work, can always earn money, I’ll always be fine. What mattered during this time was my other priorities.
You may be a workaholic like I was, constantly being available to your customers or team or incessantly checking email or Facebook on your smartphone when you’re supposed to be present with your family and loved ones.
Stop it.
NOTHING you’ll see on any screen is as important as the people who are right in front of you. Create time to work and then put it away and invest yourself in those around you. Because, trust me when I tell you, they can be gone in the blink of an eye and you’ll never regret any time you spent with them.
If I could have just one more day with my beloved John, I’d give up anything for it. The finality of his absence from my life still knocks the wind out of me sometimes, even years later. He really is not coming back and the memories we shared, memories I made by stepping away from my business and into our lives, I will cherish. I have no regrets about putting my business on the back burner and feel blessed that I was able to do that.
The bottom line is that life really is short and you will never regret living in the moment, following an impulse, and seizing the day. John totally “got” this too. During those final weeks, as I would be busily and efficiently taking care of him, changing a bandage, helping him change his clothes, or getting him out of the shower, he would stop, make me look at him, hold me, and take a moment to just love me and force me to slow down and feel it. Those moments are the ones I treasure.
I was loved so excellently, completely, and unconditionally by this incredible man. He continually informed my sometimes insecure self of my worth, empowered me to walk through the world knowing how loved I was, and emboldened me after his death to hold out for the perfect relationship of which he knew I was worthy. He taught me how I was supposed to be loved, by others and by myself.
That knowledge informed how I showed up in the months after John died, and who I became in the ensuing years. It even compelled me to write a book about our journey together and on my own after he died. I think I’m a better, more loving and patient person because I lost him. Hopefully the lessons I learned and have shared here will support you now (without requiring you to go through a painful loss in your life).
